How To Make People Hate Your Kids

Remember before you had kids and you were all like “Oh, my kids are just going to adapt to my life, I’m not going to change for them, they’ll just do what I do.” Then you realize your newborn does not give a $#%! that you haven’t had sushi in 10 months, and she will scream her head off until she gets what she needs, regardless of whether or not you’ve finished that California roll that you probably could have just eaten when she was in utero anyway.

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Even if your kids are perfect, let’s face it, there are certain places that people just don’t want to see children. I know yours are probably an exception, because everyone thinks their children are adorable, but I hate to break it to you, they aren’t. Neither are mine.

So, without further ado, I will present my list of places where you probably shouldn’t bring your kids, because people will most likely hate them there.

  1. The Nice Restaurant. At night. I mean come on. If it’s date night, or a night out with the girls, and I’m drinking a freaking martini, the last thing I want to see is a 4-year-old who should be at home in bed, or a toddler sitting on mom’s lap because this place doesn’t even have high chairs. It either reminds me of my kids and makes me feel bad, like I should be home with them, or reminds me of my kids and makes me thankful that I don’t have to be at home with them. Just get a babysitter already. Or go somewhere a little more low key.
  2. The Hair Salon. Unless you are bringing them to get a cut, then maybe, but if you are going to be sitting in the chair for two hours getting a highlight, the staff does not want to watch you attempt to rock the car seat with your toe to shut that baby up.
  3. The Spa. We are here to relax. If there is one word that has never, ever in the history of the world been used to describe children, it’s relaxing.
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  4. Brunch. Unless it’s a kid friendly brunch, like Second Home’s Pajama Brunch, which is awesome for kids. The mid-day, fancy brunch where a bunch of 22-year-old girls with top buns are drinking off their hangovers is not a place for your kid. It’s probably nap time anyway.
  5. The Boutique Store. You know this store, full of adorable home goods, like vases and picture frames. Breakable vases and picture frames. Your stroller won’t fit anyway and nobody wants to listen to you say “Don’t touch that!” five million times.
  6. The Nail Salon. Once in a while this is okay, if you’re bringing your older kiddo with you to get their nails painted, as well. But like the hair salon, most women are there to indulge in a little adult time and kids just don’t jive.
  7. The Movies on a Friday Night. This one is also debatable, depending on the age of your kids, but for younger kids, and especially babies, a late-night, crowded, loud theater is a recipe for sensory disaster. Looking for a meltdown? This is a good place to have one.
  8. The Doctor. Sometimes you have to, I get it. Especially if it’s the OB after childbirth, but if you are going to get a procedure like an X-ray or a mammogram, you deserve to have that time to focus on your health, and so do the other patients. Leave the kids at home.
  9. The Bar. I know lots of people who break this rule as well, including myself. But a restaurant that has high chairs and just happens to serve booze is quite different than a straight-up bar, and 3pm on a Sunday is different than 10pm on a Thursday. Don’t bring your baby to a bar. Reese Witherspoon knows:

So what about you? Where do you think you should never ever bring children? Or do you bring them everywhere?

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