I looked down at the ovulation stick and saw not one, but two pink lines.
I headed downstairs and sweetly called to my husband, “Honey, I’m ovulating!” We both smiled and were excited that tonight (just maybe!) could be the night that we expand our family. But as I returned upstairs, a wave of panic rushed through me.
No, not a panic of “what if it doesn’t work?” but “what if it does?”
When we made the decision to try for our first child, I wasn’t not excited, I just never had that “baby fever” so many women speak of. The timing in my life felt right, and I just felt ready to take the next big step with my husband. Having a baby wasn’t easy. I struggled with postpartum anxiety and depression, and the adjustment to a new life was hard. While I still have moments of “what the heck am I doing? Is this really my life now?” I am so happy, and I just love my little family.
I thought for sure it would be a couple more years before I would feel ready to do this all over again, but about 6 months ago, I got a fever. The baby fever. Maybe it was because my son was much more of a little boy than a little baby… all I know is that I want a little bundle of snuggly joy in my hands.
I’ve decided to use ovulation kits to help the process along, but after that first sight of those two pink stripes confirming my eggs were ready for fertilization (romantic, isn’t it?), I started having second thoughts. And third ones. And fourth ones. And fifth ones.
Am I ready to go through pregnancy again?
Am I ready for my lady parts to go through that trauma? What if I need a C-section? What if I have postpartum depression/anxiety again? I don’t know if I’m ready to mentally deal with that again. How on earth can I handle two kids? I’ve forgotten what it’s like to have a newborn! Am I ready for sleepless nights? Can we afford this? Really? I love spending time with my son, just the two of us. That will be over! Our special time! What if my son hates the new baby? What if I don’t love the new baby as much as my son? What if I love him/her more? What if there are complications? How can I handle this?
We haven’t even tried yet and I’m already freaking out. My poor husband – I’ve sucked the romance and excitement out of the babymaking process before it’s even begun. After some deep breaths and conversation, I talked myself off the ledge, and I truly do feel ready to take the next step.
Rephrase – I feel as ready as any parent could probably be at this point. My questions and fears are still there, but I’m feeling more confident.
You know what calmed me down the most? My own 2-year-old son! He’s started saying to me, “I wanna get a new baby! Wanna brudder! Wanna sisthter! Baby be in mama’s tummy!” We’ll see if he’s that gung-ho once a baby is actually here.
I’m not pregnant yet. I’m trying to breathe, relax, and enjoy this process. I’ll keep looking for those pink lines, and doing my best to make my son a big “brudder.”