Two days before my cycle is set to start and my bra fits a little tighter, I’m emotional and nauseous. Just like I do every month, I wonder if maybe my birth control didn’t work.
I did miss one pill. Am I pregnant?
We have two girls, Alexandra will turn four this month and Karoline will turn six in May. If we have another baby, there would be a sizable gap between our kids. Not to mention, things are easier now. The girls can get ready for the day, get food, and entertain themselves. At this point I can even sit down at the park!
Having another baby would mean starting over. Back to hovering at the park for another three years…
What about that job I’m thinking about applying for? If I’m pregnant, what then? When we got married, my husband and I made the decision that one of us would stay home while our kids are little. A role I love and cherish, so I know I can keep up my stay at home mom role and there will be other jobs down the road.
A few days pass and I remember my birth control can make my body mimic a pregnancy. My breasts enlarge every month, the emotions are just part of the fun, and the nausea is due to a nasty flu bug that I caught from Alexandra. No baby.
On paper having another baby doesn’t fit for our family. Yet, I go through this game every month. I look at our girls baby pictures, watch home videos, and my heart aches to repeat those memories.
Then my brain takes over and reminds me of how long some of those baby days were.
I think the kicker is that, as moms, we know just how amazing the miracle of life is. We know that no matter what: terrible morning sickness, long labors, unexpected cesarean sections, etc., we would do it all again. Our babies are our everything and there’s no way we can picture life without them. Even as early as the very first positive pregnancy test.
Finding myself at this crossroad of how my role is potentially going to change is difficult. This is one of those aspects of being a mom that I was not warned about. It seems much of motherhood is unknown and I probably wouldn’t have listened or grasped the concept anyway. I have to experience it and learn as I go.
Would I be thrilled with a surprise baby down the road, if that’s what lies in store for us? Absolutely; however, for now, I will make the most of my days with my girl squad.
We are navigating life with two little girls who are becoming more independent as the days pass. Learning how to be their mom after the toddler years is a whole new ball game.