As far as I can tell, neighborhood Facebook pages are all the rage right now. Searching Facebook, there are endless combinations for south metro Denver, where we live – including the one I belong to, which has over 23,000 members. There’s also the Nextdoor app, which is popular now, as well – but there are too many posts about robberies on that one, so I pretty much steer clear. [I lock my doors, but beyond that, ignorance is bliss. It’s ok though, my husband reads it. Don’t @ me!] But especially when you are newer to an area and don’t know a ton of people – sometimes you need opinions before you book a service, schedule with a doctor, or try a restaurant.
And so, we turn to the neighborhood Facebook page.
I’ve broken down for you, both from my personal experience and also a couple of years of observations, the 5 stages of what posting to these pages looks like:
OK – I’ve waited long enough. I need to find a piano teacher/family doctor/place to take “the hubs”~ for our anniversary. We are pretty new to the area so I don’t know where to go! But I don’t want to be one of those people who posts on a neighborhood Facebook page. Certainly I can find this information elsewhere.
* Does some casual Googling and finds some basic information, a couple of Yelp reviews… but not what you’re looking for. *
Ugh, this is helpful, but it would be EVEN MORE HELPFUL to have some individual testimonials about if the piano teacher is friendly, but also professional/if the doc’s office returns calls/if the restaurant has a good atmosphere. I’ll ask some friends.
* Texts a few people, but no one lives close enough to give a good enough recommendation for your area. You know now what you have to do. *
Footnote: ~ People on neighborhood Facebook pages only refer to their husbands as “the hubs” or “hubby.” This is a scientific fact.
Well, this is fine. I’ll just do a quick little post on the neighborhood Facebook page, and my neighbors will help me! Hmm, what should I write?
* Thinks about this for 2-5 days, comes up with something that is surely beyond reproach. *
I have seen people get eaten alive for the smallest misstep in these posts. I don’t want any judgment, just a little help. Surely the masses will be gentle with me! I’m sure it’ll be fine. This seems good enough. I’m overthinking it, clearly.
You are sure to add buzzwords that the NFP crowd will understand. You ask your question, punctuated quickly with “Go!” (so that people know it’s ok to “go”) and add a quick “TIA!” (thanks in advance). You’ll fit right in. It’s not your first rodeo.
* Hits Send. Walks away, dusting off hands with a sense of accomplishment like those moms in commercials who trick their kids into eating vegetables. *
Good adulting today, you think to yourself, proudly. This is going to be great.
*A PING! comes from phone. Pumps fist. *
The admin approved! Now I wait for the help to come rolling in.
Within minutes, another * PING! * sounds.
I have a comment!
4. Regret. Immediate Regret.
*Click to Load 659 more comments about the pros and cons of the Meat Place, and 473 about what is going in the Petco, maybe *
* Click to Load 1,348 more comments about piano-adjacent topics. *
* Click to Load 14 responses about how you can follow a post without commenting, “following,” or “.”, you absolute moron. *
* Click to Load infinity more comments with “business opportunities” and people yelling at people about their “business opportunities.” *
* Click to Load the rest of Janet’s judgy comment. Except, don’t. *
* Click to Load Ellen and Amanda making plans to hang out, because this is definitely the right venue for that. *
5. Despair about the state of the world/your neighborhood
I think this step is fairly self explanatory. I suggest a social media fast, someone like-minded to debrief this dumpster fire with, and possibly alcohol, if you’re into that sort of thing.
Obviously (I hope, anyway) this is a completely fabricated, extremely hyperbolic Facebook post – but I would be lying if I told you it wasn’t based in a fair amount of truth, as well. And listen – I’m not above posting in the NFP when I need a good reco – it’s a necessary evil. But keep your wits about you, friends. It’s the wild west out there, and no innocent post is safe. Post away – but know the risks. That’s all I’m saying.